Living with ADHD

Like you, I lived with the symptoms of ADD (I am not ADHD) all of my life, for as long as I can remember. I had great difficulty in making and keeping friendships because my symptoms always made me appear aloof, and not particularly interested in what others had to say. The truth was that my thoughts were always racing ahead in a conversation, and it was difficult or impossible to concentrate on what was being said.

It was the same way with my classes in school, so I was always a marginal student, at best. I struggled just to make it to my Senior year and couldn’t wait to get out, and leave it all behind. I married young and we started our family early and before long, we had two children to parent. I must have been difficult to live with as ordinary household tasks took on a whole new meaning, to me. I felt like one of those wind up toy cars that goes off in one direction, runs into a wall, then turns and goes off into another direction. I’d start cleaning in one area of the house and notice something out of place in another….I’d go off in that direction and something else would capture my attention. And so forth, and so on, and so on. It was difficult to relax because I was not one to be able sit and when we splurged on a home computer I found something that was helpful and harmful, all at the same time.

I found that I could sit for hours and hours chatting online and it was like a vacation for my mind. The more my husband protested, the deeper I sank into my virtual world. I quickly found that there are a thousand people out there who will tell you what you want to hear, whether or not it’s the right thing for you, and I gravitated toward those men who told me that my husband was wrong for me, and that I should leave him.

My marriage was strained and it eventually fell apart at the seams. Later, I found an even more destructive form of addiction that made me feel euphoeric while I was taking part in it, and it captured and held my attention for hours. I ran up thousands of dollars in gambling debts, maxing out credit cards and even gambling away the proceeds when my husband bought out my share of the family home. It felt like I couldn’t stop and, even worse, like I didn’t care.

My life was in shambles and I made an appointment, through EAP at work, to see a therapist. She read me a series of questions and my answers indicated to her than in all likelihood I had ADD My therapist recommended that I start taking medication to control my symptoms, telling me that the medication wouldn’t make me feel high or like I was “speeding” unless I did not have ADD. In ADD patients, it would only make you feel “normal”. The medication she prescribed was Concerta, 18 mg , taken once daily. I felt the differance IMMEDIATELY. The differance is best described as going from watching an old static-y television to watching tv in high definition. Everything was clearer. I was focused, and attentive, and clearer in my thoughts. It was easier to articulate and I didn’t become frustrated as easily. The differance was like night and day and I can tell you that it has changed my life.

For the first time in my life, I feel alive, and not just going through the motions. I still have the gambling addiction and I still struggle with it, but I don’t have the same sort of reckless attitude that got me into so much trouble without the medication. I look back at my life before I found help and I wish that I had found it years ago, while my kids still had a “whole” family. I’m remarried now, to a wonderful man. My soulmate. But coming from a broken home is never easy for the children, even as they grow up and have families of their own.

My Primary Care Doctor is the one who prescribes the medication and he has expressed concern that he does not want me taking the medication long-term, telling me “you can’t take it forever, you know”. I live in fear that he’ll one day decide that he won’t prescribe it for me anymore as I don’t ever want to go back to life before the medication. The change in my life is remarkable. I’m happier in my family life, at work, and in my friendships. I wish the same for you, Terry. Good luck.