This is my story. Here comes the train, a personal inside view into the fascinating world of Bi-polar 1 Disorder.
I believe that I became manic/depressive at an early age, as I was always a very sad little girl. In jr. high I was sad and happy at times. As the years went by, it seemed to mellow out and so I didn’t think anymore of it.
Well, after the birth of my child I noticed the signs of clinical depression setting in and more fits of rage, anger, violence (anger turned in on myself), and uncontrollable weeping. My mother never understood my symptoms and wrote it off as “bad” mood. I suffered in silence over a little more than 10 years before it all started coming to a head in my mid 20’s. I started to have more episodes of depression with manic phases that lasted sometimes several days to weeks. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I was trying to work a security job at the time and manage a house and family.
I kept getting worse and didn’t know why. I voluntarily put myself in a psychiatric unit at a major teaching hospital for two and a half months. I was in a locked ward back then. I felt safe, secure, and happy knowing I didn’t have to deal with anything on the outside world!! The dr. assigned to me was probably a new resident Psychistrist for the ward. He told me about something called “manic/depressive disorder…I don’t remember if they called it bi-polar back then or not? He said they were thinking about that and be patient with them while they thought about which meds. to start me on. Well, too bad he didn’t stick to his first original diagnosis!! He decided that I suffered from severe chronic depression and that I needed stronger meds. than they use for bi-polar.

Over the next 3 years, I used every psychotopic drug therapy known to mankind. All with the terrible side effects they mention. Needless to say, after the third year, I’d had enough. I went cold turkey and QUIT psychiatry, period. They couldn’t tell me any more than I already knew about myself.

It’s now 30 years later and the same problems that taunted me then, were the same showing up today. Only it feels in tri-folds!! I finally convinced my family dr. to send me to another Pshchiatrist to make an official diagnosis. Well, wouldn’t you know, the marvels of medical science ……low and behold, there I sat with a doctor who calls a spade a spade!! I have Bi-polar 1 disorder. I’m told the worst of the two. I’ve been on an antidepressant and mood stablizer for about the last 8 months now, and the difference is NIGHT and DAY!!!! I feel better than I have in three decades. I never knew I could be in control again like this. Oh I still have my days with the episodes, but I have better days than bad. My title may seem a bit cocky but this disease is like a “runaway” train that never STOPS, picks anyone up, or lets any one OFF!!
It’s an endless ride to hell and back….thank God for some of the gifted people at drugs companys that have finally found a way to STOP the train long enough for some of us to get off!!!!