It started the summer before my junior year of college. I was always willing to take on a lot of stress but the pressure was too intense. I ate less and less, and the feeling of hunger was something that I started attributing to me working hard and being a good student. I started to enjoy the feeling of hunger and I liked how I looked. I went from 125 pounds in May to 108 by July. For about a year, I ate under 1000 calories a day, and exercised for over an hour.

The summer after that, I had a bike accident and I was in bed rest. I was in too much pain to exercise so my weight ballooned up to 130. My parents were always around watching what I ate. Before that summer, I was really anxious about people watching me eat. After I found out I gained this much weight, I couldn’t do anything about it but vomited after every meal so my weight could go back down. I dropped another 12 pounds by Halloween. My hair was already thinning and my doctor couldn’t understand why this was happening. He asked me directly if I had issues with food and I lied. He thought it was anxiety and gave me medication for it. However, the anxiety medication did help me purge less. I was less worried about food but even though I was still actively aware of how much I was eating. I don’t purge as often as I did.

But I do know that I need help. I am tired of explaining why I lost so much weight, why I was in the bathroom for so long, and why I’m tired. I hate seeing blood in my vomit, and I’m tired of hating myself after I purge. I hope my story is cautionary. It’s really a vicious cycle and help is needed before your own life is ruined. I wish I maintained a healthy lifestyle when I could. Even though I feel like it’s important to excel, I never figured out when I should’ve relaxed and figure out where my limit was.