Hmm…

I don’t know when this all started. When I was 12? I think I’m naturally supposed to be on the heavy side. I started dieting when I was in grade 7 and 5″2 and 130 lbs. I lost about 10 pounds a year (I was just a little kid, so, I didn’t really understand calories much) and haven’t eaten a burger, fries, pizza, or anything like that since. I started exercising every morning when I was about 14 and that helped me a lot. Eventually I was 5″3 or 5″4 and 105 Ibs. I looked amazing and I felt amazing.

Then I went of to Randolph Academy for the Performing Arts last year (which is not exactly a college since it’s only acting, dancing, and singing all day) and I loved it. The only problem was I couldn’t work out where I was living (at my Uncle’s). He didn’t have a treadmill and it was too cold/snowy to run outside. I couldn’t even do my workout tapes as they were too loud for 5:00 am in the morning (I had to get up at 6:00 am just to get to school by 8:00 am). I was a certified personal trainer by then, so I didn’t want to pay for a gym since I should be getting payed to go to a gym. Unfortunately, competition is stiff in Toronto and I couldn’t find a job. I wasn’t working out nearly as much (not daily) so I was extremely worried I would start to put on the weight that I had spent the last six/seven years of my life taking off. One day, my friend was supposed to buy me lunch and forgot. I didn’t have any money so I didn’t get to eat that day. I had been extremely anal about my metabolism and my six small snacks a day and was VERY pissed off. I didn’t eat for the rest of the day. However, a curious thing happened when I weighed myself on Saturday: I lost weight.

A light went off and I realized that I could just not eat and therefore wouldn’t gain any weight. I promised I would start eating the way I used to as soon as the weather got better for me to run outside daily (which doesn’t require a gym membership). Then even better things started happening: I was actually LOSING even more weight! I was 95 Ibs by the end of the month! I didn’t have to workout (which was great because I’m naturally lazy) and I never had to worry about food anymore! I ate 200 cals one day, then 400, then 600, then 800, and restart the cycle over and over. Eventually I got to my lowest weight: 85 Ibs. I ate things that I would’ve never been able to eat before: like a granola bar. As long as it was within the calorie range, I could eat it.

But here’s the bad part: I became a complete moron. I was so happy with myself and the way that I looked I couldn’t concentrate on anything but my reflection in dance class. I lost my voice and couldn’t sing. I didn’t have enough brain cells to memorize lines. I panicked and told my school about my eating problems. They already had suspected, and told me that if I didn’t gain weight they would kick me out. You have to understand: the only thing more important to me than my weight is my family and my career as a performer. I gained the weight. I gained the weight so fast. I binged and binged and tried to make myself smarter and stronger and better at school but it wasn’t working so I ate more and more. In six weeks I was at 120 Ibs. That’s more than I had ever been in five years. My nightmare came to life. Even worse: my school kicked me out ANYWAY.

Now, I’m 2 inches shorter (loss of muscle and bone) and STILL 120 Ibs. I am back in school which is good, but I hate my body. I hate what happened and my poor parents have to pay for me to see a therapist who costs $180 per session and lives 2 hours away EVERY WEEK just so I can stay in school.

So, as you can see, bad things have happened.

But I miss ana. I miss it so much. I miss the way it made me feel and I miss the way I used to be. I’m not myself anymore. Although I work out daily and finally did join that gym, it’s not the same as being able to show your discipline and hard-work on the outside. I’m going back to ana. I didn’t eat yesterday, I’m not eating today, and I’m not eating tomorrow. By Monday, I’m going to have a 200 calorie protein shake and begin having 200 cals, 400 cals, 600 cals, and 800 cals each day and cycle until I am back to a weight where I’m happy (probably 101…any less than that and I can’t function). I won’t make the same mistakes this time and I’m not going to go overboard.

I think my obsession with weight is more about my unwillingness to grow into a sexual woman. I like to stay young. And I like to work hard. It’s also about vanity to some degree as well. So, like you, I think it’s a bit of both. Psychology stops me from eating a 200 calorie burger but letting me eat 400 calories worth of skinnless chicken. It makes very little sense to me.

—update—-

It’s been three months since I’ve wrote my story. I am now severely bulimic with spouts of anorexia. I will throw up a salad without dressing. I usually throw up three times a day. If I go a whole day without throwing up it’s because I didn’t eat a thing. My teeth hurt. I am 95 Ibs. The sad thing is, I’m understanding slowly that no matter what I weigh I will always be too much.