Living with Mental Health Issues

I’ll try to be brief.. I have had a Phobia about going out since I was a teen.. It ruined most of my life. I went to many doctors, none of which, in the 1960’s, knew what was wrong with me. So, at 18 I began self-medicating with small amounts of alcohol.. It seemed like magic at first.. I was able to go places and be around people as long as I could have just 1 or 2 drinks. Well, as I built up a tollerance, I began drinking more. It wasn’t everyday, just when I didn’t feel well or had to go out, or visitors were coming.

I married, had 2 kids, and didn’t drink much at all but didn’t go out much because of that. In 1990 I found a psychiatrist who said I was suffering from a form of depression That seemed like a wierd explanation at the time. He first put me on a tricyclic antidepressant. It caused so many side effects, (affected all my histamine) so he had to change it. He put me on an MAOI called “Nardil”. At first I didn’t think it would work. I started attending AA meetings to reprogram my mind from the thought and action of drinking when around people. As by this time, I was drinking much more and having severe panic attacks when the alcohol would wear off.

I began going to the meetings and other places while waiting for the familiar feelings. But, I began to realize that I wasn’t anxious anymore. This med was really working! Bad part of MAOI is that you must be careful of foods and meds that you ingest, as it could interact with some, shooting up blood pressure and causing heart attack or stroke. But it was the only thing that worked for me.

My life changed from then on. No more alcohol. I could finally get 2 pt time jobs (never worked before in my life) and I was feeling the best I had ever felt since a child. Then in 1998, my husband of almost 31 years couldn’t stand the new me. He wanted a divorce. We divorced in 2000. I had never lived alone before and he wanted to be in charge of all financial matters, so I never learned how to live alone. I was trying and by this time had no job. I fell off the wagon a few times and since the doctor prescribes valium with the MAOI, I would need this sometimes to help me relax from all the stress of my new life. At one point in 2002, I was in Atlantic City and I was sexually assaulted by a stranger who was a drunken bum.

I will move on to 2003. My cobra health ins. was running out after 3 yrs. I needed to find affordable new insurance and a new doctor as the one I had would not accept HMOs and I couldn’t afford anything but that now. So I went into a tail spin over this in March of 2003. One day, I started to drink while taking my medication as usual.. Not a good choice and could be dangerous. But I was so upset and I turned back to my old habit. I got really sick also at the time.. I had violent headaches for several years that would wake me out of my sleep. Nothing took it away. This one week, I began drinking, and my family, brother, daughter, son and mom found out. I did stop but felt awful so took the tranqs to quiet my badly jangled nerves.

My mom lived alone in a retirement village 1 hour from me.. The rest are all very close by. My mom kept calling me repeatedly on Fri. and Sat. leaving messages to call her. I heard them but chose not to call her since I knew she would be giving me her usual dish of crap about the drinking. Then, on Sat. evening at 8pm, there was someone knocking on my door and then into the garage on the inner door which was locked. I have always locked all my doors.. The knocking stopped finally and I went back to sleep.. Again I chose not to answer the door either. My brother went to get my son who was playing ball near by and was 28 at the time. My son breaks my kitchen window and climbs in thru it. Suddenly in the dark, my son and brother appear and wake me up in my room. They looked very worried and asked me if I knew who they were. I said of course and named them. They said I didn’t look or sound good. Wanted me to go to the hospital to be checked out. I refused. By this time I wasn’t drinking anymore and had not been since 2 days before. I just felt sick, bad headache and nerves shot. My brother went downstairs to call my MOM. She gave him orders to call 911. She didn’t know I was sitting up in bed and speaking to them. Then came rescue squad and police showed not long after.

My family insisted I had to go to the the hospital. I only went to show them I was not that ill and to stop them from worrying. The doc in emergency said I was deyhydrated. They hooked me up to an IV and kept me there all night. In the morning I was pronounced fine by the doctor and ready to go home but nobody came for me and the doctor said I had to be transferred to UMDNJBC. I asked for what? Answer: Hospital policy. I didn’t understand any of this. I was transported via ambulance to the Behavioral Care Unit affiliated with RWJUH in New Brunswick, NJ. UMDNJ is 5 mins. from my home. I was kept in a solitary room and interviewd for hours by several people asking the same mental health questions over and over and I answered them all very well.

I was weak from not eating for 4 days now. I was taken there at 10AM in the morn, and at one point I was told I was waiting to be transferred again to another hospital since they felt I needed further treatment. I spoke to no family that day. Over and Over these people wanted me to sign myself in to a hospital. I said I was fine and wanted to go home. At 10pm a transport was available and they strapped me down to a stretcher with leathers in just my PJs and slippers and took me. I had no idea where I was going! I asked one of the men who rode in the back of the vehicle, where I was going? He told me.. Ah, Trenton. Didn’t they tell you? I said No, and what???!!! Not Trenton State Pyschiatric Hospital!!? He said Yes, that it was the only place that had a BED for me. I was horrified! I never said another word. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. There was no bed for me, only a cot they set up there in the “Quiet Room”. a small room where a big leather strapped chair was for those who went nuts and needed to be restrained. I somehow fell asleep after midnight.

I awoke early to find a new roommate on a cot right next to me. A 6′ tall 40 yr old blk girl who later told me she had just been transferred there from prison where she had slashed a woman’s throat. OMG, now I was in fear of my life! I made friends with her quickly as possible. This place was filthy and I had no room or bathroom of my own. I was told to use the one in lobby (unisex, with no locks of course) and had to beg mental health workers to open it (locked on outside) when I had to use it. I never knew if I would make it on time, as I was having IBS attacks which were urgent and they were sooo slow and irritated that they had to keep opening the door for me. I had no clothes except the PJs I was in when taken on Sat. night and slippers. Monday afternoon, my daughter, son, and mother came with some clothes and personal products. I begged and cried for them to get me out of this filthy, horrible place.. My mom’s words were It’s outta our hands. I was in shock. They left then not to return until Friday afternoon, when I was finally released.

The nightmare continued thru the week. Cursing by the workers at the poor patients, (M_F word and F word screamed at them everyday and night) making fun of them, etc. Patients getting into fights. Patients stealing from others including me. I never had a room or bed of my own the entire time. I never got any treatment for the oh so sick person they claimed I was who had “barricaded” herself in her home. (Just the usual locks on my doors) (A Danger to Myself) Suddenly I was all better and could go home on Friday to my large home where I live with my 2 dogs. I was there from Sun. night til Friday noon. I was suddenly all better in just a few days of being locked up and with no treatment. Wow! Now that is Magic!!

I never went outside once, only smokers did, and all my patient’s rights were violated. This place is nothing but a filthy warehouse for people whom which some of are really sick. Treatment is meds and the rest is people curling up on chairs in the day room all day with nothing to do trying to sleep, being yelled out for lying down, and TV is on the channel that the workers want! I was a victim of the State of NJ and I tried go get an attorney to take them on, but none wished to do so as it is time consuming and expensive. So they got away with it. The state even tried to bill me for this as my ins. had run out! My income was about $50,000 at the time and the “knights of the round table” during one of my conferences with them, seemed to look at each other and go into shock. This was a State Mental Institution for indigents! I did not pay and ultimately the State paid for my horrifying stay.

I have been mentally scarred by this experience and relive it many times now. So, if this could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. Be very wary when your state takes control of your life, justifiably or unjustifiably as in my case. These horror houses need to be shut down and really sick people need better care and certainly much better treatment! Verbal abuse was so rampant and I cannot believe that employees are allowed to maintain these jobs when they are using such crude language to patients and humiliating them constantly. How is that for treatment of a mentally ill person?!! We need to help these really sick people and find a better way for them. And, this is NOT it!!!