Living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

hi i’m GB and i’m an OC..do you think it’s easy to admit that disorder?NO..at first i don’t admit it..but as time goes by,as i read articles about OCD i realize i manifest the signs and symptoms.

i remember it all started when i was 13 years old.i was a freshman then.(1st year highschool)..i have this classmate of mine actually he was my seatmate,we were having this chat when i noticed him every time we talked about something bad like for example accidents,death,he goes to the waste can to spit.then says God forbids.so asked him why does he do that.he told so it wont happen to him and his loved ones..following that,i saw my mom’s sister,having a chat with my mom,they happened to talked about illness of another person,i saw my aunt,spit too..i remember my mother and some of my close friends that time also spit everytime she talks about something not good.so that’s the time i realize do we have to spit everytime we think or talked about something bad.or else those thoughts might happen to me or my loved ones?

so,i started to do the same..until such time that every night i go out before i sleep to spit with counting.
yeah,with counting,i started to count not to stop with odd numbers,especially 13,because i’ve heard that 13 is bad luck.so i was thinking that if is stop counting othe 13th time while i spit,that would cause bad luck and my bad thoughts will happen to me or my family..

and then i started to wash my hands,so many times with counting.i wash dishes with counting most of the time counting up to 50..when i take a bath,i consume so much water.i count how many time i rinse my body.once i touched something right after i finished a bath,i go back to bathroom to wash again.i don’t want anyone to meet me for i can’t take to be touched by them.i keep on thinking i,m the cleanest person.i remember i always say this phrase at home that’s why my dad would tell me “oh here comes the cleanest person in the world”..

it didn’t just stop there,before i wear my underwear,i iron it.after that i undust it and take note with counting.i wash my undies and dry them outside alone.i don’t want to be mixed be with any clothes.i don’t allow anyone to wash my undies,i wash them my self.i instruct everybody not to touch them for when i saw that they were touched,i wash them again.i would know if they were touched while im gone,and then i would wash it again..can you realize how tiring it is?and then at night time i was already sleeping then suddenly,i wake up to check the door,chek so many times,go back and check agaain with counting.check our stove,chek the windows WITH COUNTING..at first i thought thre’s nothing wrong i just want to make sure that everything was closed.but after i think 4 years,i got tired it’s like do i have to disturb my sleep just to check everything and yet i know that my dad already checked?.i remember one night i almost cried because i,m tired of counting and i was thinking to go to the bathroom again to spit or else something bad might happen..you know what i still continue this habit or until such time it became a routine.very bad routine!and i just hate it!i really hate it!but i can’t just stop it for if i stop,the more i think about it.and then my brother got annoyed,he told me i am an OC,he gave me this medical guide book which we have at home,i read it,there i read all the signs and symptoms of OC and i can’t beieve it i have them.

when i was in college i took up nursing,in my third year,we were exposed in Operating room,there i saw how to wash hands the sterile way.then i realized see?i,m right i have to wash my hands for how many minutes.

on the same year,we have to go to another place to have our duty,so there we stayed in one room with about 12 of us.they saw or noticed my rituals and they asked me why do i have to separate my undies in the corner.and when some touched them i washed them again.but good news is i stop to spit at night,i did not have to check the door and windows and stove.i thought i was beginning to lessen the symptoms.i stayed there for 2 months.for 2 months,i felt good like no obligation to check,spit,iron my undies..unfortunately,when i got back home,the symptoms got back too.

on my fourth year,we had this subject,Psychiatric Nursing.i again encountered OCD this time it was explained by our professor,i learned that some of us have the disorder but i think not like me i have all the symptoms..i tried not to think of it becasue i know it is a psychiatric disorder.no!i can’t accept it.i’m not aN OC.my mother is a psychologist she should have told me when i first manifest the symptom..but no she did not even told me anything so i assume i’m not an OC.

now i am a nurse,and sometimes i regret to be because if i wasn’t one i should have not known about germs,infection,etc,then i should not have the other symptoms.

it’s not easy to be like this,it disturbs everything in me.my sleep,my job,my thought,my action.it’s not easy fixed everything in order or in perfect,especially now,i’m staying with my friend, i find it hard for him to be with me,because i want everything to be in perfect,i want everything to be clean,like, this should be in this place,becasue i have reason why i placed it here.that should be in that place.don’t removed it from there,etc..

i also pray in an arrange manner,with counting,i knock on wood once i think of something bad..when i drink,eat everthing with counting and when i stop on odd numbers,i start all over again.example i drink swallowed on the count of 3,i start to drink again and make sure i swallow on the count of even numbers..i undust my bed so many time.i check the cabinets,under of my bed everytime i go out of the room and come back.i go back inside the house even if i am already outside and lock the door just to check the stove the AC was shut down..

i tried,i keep on trying to stop it,but i think i can’t stop it abruptly,maybe gradually with the help of others who were once an OC..that’s why i shared my story for you to help me find a support group and at the same time for others to read this and maybe as early as possible try not to develop the thoughts that disturb you.just think how and what i am right now because i let the thoughts and actions disturb me.

Thank you and hoping to hear from you soon.