Living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

When I was still young, I was unaware that what I was experiencing is a disorder. My OCD was mild before, like i couldn’t go to sleep without numbing my lower body, i control my muscles in my butt and thighs, hold it for a few minutes then released it. After that, i could peacefully go to sleep.

The routine continued as i grow up coz i couldn’t ignore it. If i try , i sort of feeling so angry i wanted to shout. I felt like i was compelled to do that before bedtime. I tried to ignore that “numbing my lower body” thing, it disappears a bit yeah, but i kept on doing it. This time, the other way around, the upper body.

That’s why sometimes i have back pains. I still do it until now. I’m 22 and my OCD worsens. As I’ve told you, i was not aware it was OCD. Some of my friends claimed they have OCD that they’re perfectionist etc., and I will just tell them “oh really?” without paying much attention. Little did i know that i was the one who has it and theirs, i found out, is just OCPD.

My symptoms? I have lots of it that confirms my disorder. Before i go to bed, i always see to it that the stove is off and gas is locked, I have to twist the gas harder and so many times, i’ll stood there for minutes to make sure its closed already. I have to open and re-open my cabinet to make sure it’s closed too. I’ll do the same with my door. I want to go to bed without having to worry doing those things. I’m sick and tired. But it’s as if something pushes me to do those or else i’ll be depressed and will make me want to hurt myself, shout and throw all the things i could touch.

A lot of times, almost every night I’m haunted by the notion that my parents will die and leave us. And after that I’ll breakdown and cry, will wake up with swelling eyes.

When eating, especially if it’s chocolate and chips, i’ll see to it that i’ll chew on the left side of my mouth, on the right, then on the middle. It’s ridiculous and nonsense but i keep on doing this because i was forced. Forced by my subconscious. I have different strategies of eating food, which is unnecessary. Sometimes i’ll just swallow without chewing, I’ll let the food stay in my mouth for minutes until it melts and i’ll do it again even if i don’t like doing it.

I am fond of reading books, but ever since this disorder dominate my reading habits, i became afraid of it. Because i have this tendency to repeat and repeat the word or words i’m reading in my mind, the result? a waste of time and i wouldn’t be able to finish the book in a short time. I value time and i don’t wanna waste it. Repeating words is sickening! I pronounce the word in different manners, several times. After that, i’ll do the same way with the next word. I can’t read peacefully!

Worse? Even if i’m in church, i’m disturbed by inappropriate sexual ideas! I hate it so much! I’m trying to keep those ideas away from my mind by thinking other things like my family, work, but it just keeps coming back!

I hate it when someone steps on my feet, when my feet accidentally gets wet with mud. It’s as if im stoned if my feet gets wet on the streets. I also can’t get rid of useless things in my room, i just can’t throw them away even if they lost their value.

I also get so mad if i don’t see my favorite dresses and clothes in my cabinet. They just have to be there even if i don’t use them or else i’ll shout and will nag my sisters. Sometimes i could almost curse them by the words i’m saying, If i don’t shout i feel like going to explode.

I don’t wanna touch knobs of public toilets or anything that i know isn’t clean. If it’s inevitable to touch them, i’ll wash my hands too much. I’ll even put some alcohol to make sure that it would be germ-free.

When someone tells me an important thing or if someone made a promise to me, I’ll have them say it several times for assurance. I always think of negative or dreadful things like death, accidents, separation, crime because for me, doing so will prevent those things to happen especially to my family and love ones.

I want to get rid of this sickness because it brings me so much pain. It affects me emotionally, socially, spiritually.