Living with Panic Disorder

My first panic attack happened a few days after my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I was living in a new country, with few friends, and I had recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness that I would have to face for the rest of my life and would as a result never be able to have children. My illness had even forced me to resign my job as my work performance had been affected negatively by my health issues.

I had always been all about work. It was as though my life had completely unravelled. I felt completely alone and totally exposed. I was at a new friends house and we got to talking about my husband and his departure. I was finding it impossible to find the words. There was still so much love for him left inside me, despite his asking for the divorce when I was so sick and vulnerable. He had become involved with someone at work.

I started to feel breathless and all of a sudden the room started spinning and I felt as though I was about to explode. The only way I could describe it would be to take every negative feeling that you have ever had in your life, embarrisment, shame, fear, rejection, anxiety loss, dishonesty, loss of sanity, shock, abandonment, panic and humiliation, all applied at once and in a split second and like a sudden bomb that goes off in your head and that doesn’t pass. It is completely overwhelming, physically and emotionally. I remember saying to my friend that I had to go outside, I think I staggered bent double because I was so weak and naseous, and I remember pacing back and forth at the front door, unable to breathe. I begged her to call an ambulance because I truly believed that I was going to die, and luckily the paramedics arrived within two minutes. They helped me into the Ambulance and asked me what had happened to me.

I could barely talk but after a while was able to explain that my husband had given me bad news. I wasn’t able to even begin to talk about the other stuff that had been going on in my life. I remember asking them if I was loosing my mind, and they said no, that I was just a nice lady going through a difficult time. They took me to the hospital for a Psyche Evaluation but after about 15 minutes I discharged myself. I had regained enough composure to rationalize that my ex would have a field day with that. I had to call someone to collect me and realized that there was no one to call so I took a cab home still covered with stickies from the heart monitor they placed on me in the ambulance and a dressing on my hand from the drip. When I got home and my ex who was still living in the house saw me he noticed the dressings but didn’t even have the humanity to ask if I was ok.

Two weeks after the first attack I was forced to take my elderly dog, who had been with me for 14 years to be put down. I did it alone and I buried her in the garden alone. I remember that day and the days following as being the closest I have ever been to a complete emotional death. I had several panic attacks following that, one while I was having a conversation with my sister in England on the phone. She had to talk me through it. I remember trying to talk to her while running my wrists under a stream of cold water from the kitchen tap, and feeling so ashamed that I had placed her in this position of complete powerlessness. Being so far away and unable to help me. It must have been absolutely awful for her.

On another occasion I was able to make it to a doctors surgery. The receptionist had never seen a panic attack before, and left me sitting in a waiting room full of people watching me go through the whole meltdown. Fortunately after this one, the doctor prescribed me Ativan, one pill at the first indication of an attack. I relocated, found a new less demanding job, and started to rebuild my life. I was unable to drive for a bit because it was just too much for me to be behind the wheel, and I was afraid of having an attack on the highway.

My new doctor wanted me to go for therapy to discuss what had happened to me that year. But I remember saying, that I was afraid that if I even began to open up and talk about everything that had happened that year that I would have a complete breakdown. The only thing that seemed to be holding me together at that time was the silence and avoidance. I begged him to just help me to function and he prescribed me Paxil. If I could just work, and eat and sleep, for a day, and then another day.

I literally lived day to day for months. I lived at my place of work and was unable to find the strength to even unpack my bags. I kept my field of vision very limited. To even think about or face the future at that time was enough to trigger an attack and I had to force myself to eat at that time. It was months before I started to regain my emotional health back. It was about two years before I could trust myself enough to go out without Ativan in my purse. Now four years later, I am happily back on track. Career, health, love life, emotions back on track.

I always keep Ativan in the house but I honestly cant remember the last time, I needed it in my purse. Maybe for the first week at my new job, and I didn’t use it. It just helped to know it was there. I would say to anyone else who is suffering in the same way with panic attacks that they are brought on by our deepest fears. If you are able to take those fears apart, piece by piece and accept your fate, what ever it might be, you will be able to defuse the bomb that is waiting to go off inside. What ever the trigger might be, dismantle it. Use as much of your emotional intelligence as you can to study what triggers it and design ways of thinking your way out of that cycle. Accept that just because life is chaotic around you that inside you are at peace. It sounds a little hokey but it works. Also take the medications that the doctors recommend in very low doses. Minimum doses. So you are still yourself, but you are calm. It gives your adrenal system a chance to recover, and it breaks the cycle of that sudden emotional adrenaline reaction.

Trust that you will get over this. You can do it. Belive.