Living with Panic Disorder

It started with my parents. I never thought that there way of living could affect me growing up. They always fighting, sometime physically, somtimes even holding things to beat the other down.I saw my parent fight so much that sometimes, I don’t even care. So much about what I said I don’t care if they fight. I didn’t know that it affected my deep down in my heart. I never thought of it either. Until now that I’m about to go see a psychiatrist. Everytime that I go to places, somtimes people is fighting. My normal reaction to incidents like that is to get far away as posible.

All they up till now, I just realized that the reason why I ran away every single time. It’s because I panic, scared. Scared of getting hurt. Soo many times, and time after time. I noticed my chestpain. When to see a regualr physician. They said nothing is wrong with my heart. However, the pain I felt was fear, fear of something is about to happened. As if I have a gift of the 6th sense.It’s all because of what I have been through. I shut myself out of having a normal life.

For year of not having friends because I don’t trust them. So many times, I have been betraid by friends. I gave up hope on having friends. Even now, my friends still a have a distance frome me. People hurt my feeling so much, sometimes my mother too. Always trying to set me up to marry a guy. Even if he’s twice my age still even now. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to her because of that. Ever since 2004 that I have lost almost everything. This means: my boyfriend go to jail, lost my home, afraid of people aftering me, lost all my money.I felt so much pain about what I’ve been through. Still I didn’t know I have panic attack until the last two years. It was not as heavy as now.

Last two week was what I called almost the end of my life. For years I have been betraid my brofriends. I moved here 2 months ago just to be with a man that I believe to my future husband. One day I found out that he’s still didn’t divorce his wife. Too late for me, cause I’ve moved in with him already. He told me the truth after that. I believe in him, so it didn’t bother so much after the truth. I was willing to accept the truth. I told him that once he brought his daughter back. There will be trouble because, I have a feeling that his wife will be comming back too. She know that he had moved on because she left him and now he had me.

She came back with lots of trouble mostly a set up for me and my boyfriend. A trap set by her family as a revenge. She set him up to beat him, but in defense he held her wrist so that she would stop. Thing got wrost for me and him. I lost all my things again because the house is also in her name.

I was set up so that I go to jail, eating the food that I’m allergic too, having to waste more time and money to go to court. Although I was bail out by my boyfriend after his friend bailed him. Ever since I have panic attack that would last all night. The fear of what they did to me. My panic attack heart rate went up to 127 beat/minute almost twice as much as a normal person. Three time I went into the Emergency room.

I was the person that called 911 that day. However I forgot what I said in the recording in order to help him with his case. Through out the whole story I was the victim of my parent, my lover, my friend, severe depression anxiety. If there were justice in this country.I just hope it would help resolve my problem. If god is really above, I would ponder to ask whats happening to my life.

Yes, people say that the life you live is also the way you chose it to be. People also said it my destiny, it’s my fate. Really, who is the person to set those destiny or fate. Natures instincs created by life giving me that ability to follow the path I want. It’s all up to my Luck.