My mother was absent most of my early childhood and my father was in Vietnam. After the war and their divorce, my mother remarried one of the most evil sub-humans I have ever met. From the age of five until fourteen, torture, molestation and rape became a daily part of my life. I grew fearful of sleeping because he always came into my room at night. I grew to hate my mother for leaving me there. The molestation started when I was eight and I was raped at the age of nine. By age ten I was being passed around to the neighbors for extra money after he lost his job. If I resisted bones were broken or my sibling was threatened.

At age twelve I told my mother who did not believe me. She accused me of making up stories for attention. Two months before my thirteenth birthday I found out I was pregnant. When he found out he beat and kicked me until I miscarried. Shortly after that I attempted suicide. My little brother found me unconscious with my wrists slit in the bathtub. I was beaten for that as well.

Our minister came out and talked to me and then DHS came out and took me to live with my Grandmother for six months while we went to counseling. When the therapist declared us “fixed” I was moved back into the home where I was beaten so badly I missed a month of school. My mother became more absent and the rapes became a daily event.

I went away to boarding school that next year but the calls and threats continued. When I went home for breaks I was raped and threatened. My dean finally called me in to talk with her. She had noticed the pattern. I broke down and told her everything. I never went home again.

I became a ward of the state at age fifteen. I never saw my siblings again until age 20. At the trial my mother testified against me and then told the judge that she would rather have him in the house than me. So I was tossed onto the foster care pile and bounced from home to home. In two of the eight homes I was in I was raped again. Finally at age sixteen I moved out on my own.

Since that time I have spent most of my years in counseling and still struggle to function in daily life. I am haunted by recurring nightmares and panic attacks. PTSD has become a “norm” in my life. Although I have moved past many of these issues, there are some that continue to haunt me.

That is where I am today. On the outside I have a college degree, a good job, an awesome daughter and a failed marriage. On the inside I’m still a terrified twelve year old girl who was abandonded by everyone who should have loved and protected her. Sometimes the grown up is in control. Sometimes the inner child wins. Today is her turn and all she wants to do is find a dark quiet place to hide.

I wish this would all go away.