My trauma first happened as a child. My pediatrician performed anal exams on me on a yearly basis. I knew he was touching me, violating me - but as a good girl, I did nothing. My mother watched while this was going on. The summer I turned 18, I was raped. I started having nightmares, depression social avoidance and trouble with concentrating in school.

I was abused by employers, fellow students and teachers(abusive and unwanted sexual advances). I started using marijuana and alcohol. I started and stopped school countless times before I stopped using pot and alcohol - and then got married and had kids. I felt ok until the kids came. Had an awful time with post partum depression After the kids came, my sleep problems were constant. I was hypervigilant with the first kid especially. PMS has also been a huge issue for me. I quit smoking 20 years ago, but started chewing nicotine 5 years ago.

Since the birth of my second child, I have been seeing counselors and psychiatrists and have tried every drug imaginable. SSRI’s don’t work for me. Lithium, Lamictal, Neurontin - nothing helps to make me feel normal. I am on Xanax, Tramadol, Seroquel (for sleep) and Focalin right now. I went through EMDR and had very good results, but still have generalized anxiety I hate being on all these drugs and have felt like I have had to beg to get them.

Having addictive issues, I can understand why the doctors don’t want me to be on them. If I am not on them, I can barely function. I exercise almost to the point of compulsion. In the summer, when I have the time, I’m exercising almost 2 1/2 hours a day - probably for the endorphins. I am 51, in the process of getting a divorce, going back to school to finish one degree and then to learn a trade so I can support myself better.

I can’t start or maintain a real relationship with another man, fearing he will find out about all the drugs I am on and not want me anymore. I know that I am very busy trying to get my life in order (with school, etc I have a part time job) - so there isn’t much time for a new man in my life anyway. I don’t have a girlfriend that I can talk to about this - just my therapist.

I feel detached, lonely and always question whether or not I’m headed in the right direction. I know that I am lucky - my sister is using very strong pain killers (legal heroin) and barely able to get out of bed each day. I know that I am doing much better than others who have suffered through what I have. I want to be drug free and feel normal (whatever that is), be able to learn, work, and feel close to those around me.

I also want to find out what the long term affects of having PTSD are. I have read that if treatment is delayed, that there can be permanent damage to the brain. I wonder if I have to live like this for the rest of my life (longevity runs in my family - at 51, I could be just halfway through with my life). I would love to hear from others who have gone through this - how they cope, what they do. Just to know I’m not alone.